yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
