Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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