So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
