Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
