Your mouth is God's brothel.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
