I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize