I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
