Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
