Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
