i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
