white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
