Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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