nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they're like a gay fantastic four
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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