They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
