I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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