Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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