Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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