we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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