There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
