it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
