pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
