I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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