You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
