My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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