i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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