So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
