quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
