As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
