so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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