I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
