It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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