You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize