the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
