Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
