i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That accounts for only three of the penises
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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