you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
