Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
