Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
