Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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