You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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