I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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