I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
