so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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