Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
