we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize