and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
