Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
