as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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