They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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