Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
