i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
