party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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