im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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