One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
