I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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