Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
