Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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