TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
