I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
